8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
