I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
