dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
