I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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