Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He kissed a someone with a penis
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
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