i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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