Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Randomize
