He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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