took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
