Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize