Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
