I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
