she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
