so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Randomize
