Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
