This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
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i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
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The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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