some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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