Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Is Oprah even human
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
