you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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