there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
