i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
