Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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