I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
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Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
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All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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