So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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