Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
