i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
