Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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