saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
