So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just high enough for therapy.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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