I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
