you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
