I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i wish my penis had a tongue
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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