There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
