just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
