She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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