Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
