when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
