I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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