Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
