He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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