I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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