Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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