Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
