She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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