mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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