I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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