You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Randomize
