some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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