I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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