My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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