Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
