I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
