I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
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She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
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My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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