I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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