I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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