I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
