Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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